We’ve all seen the parking signs for the ‘special’ groups of people that somehow get the prime reserved parking spaces in public parking lots (shopping centres, medical offices, golf courses, etc.). These might look familiar to you:

  • expectant mothers
  • families with small children (What if you have fat kids? Then what?)
  • golf pro only
  • president / manager (One more way to rub it in to the working slobs)
  • hybrid vehicles (No shit, this is a brainwave of the folks at IKEA)

… and my personal favourite:

  • employee of the month (Or “Great Associates” – see photo below). Why is it that 80% of the time, these spaces are empty? Perhaps because the $150k/yr managers that came up with this idea figured that their $8/hr employees would kill each other to qualify for this glory.
parking: reserved for great associates

Where are these superstars’ cars?

Well, there are huge sectors of the population that aren’t represented, don’t you think? Here are some parking signs that I would like to see:

Reserved for:

  • Lazy Old Bastards That Drive Big ‘Ol Trucks (and hate walking)
  • People Really in a Hurry (you know who you are)
  • Crappy Parkers Only (give them an extra large space – at the far end of the parking lot)
  • Motorcycles (just kidding; why the hell should they be allowed to take up a whole space?
  • Severely Hungover, & About to Hurl (may as well be close to the bathroom, or at least to the mop brigade in the store)
  • Out of Gas (from driving around your stupidly crowded, narrow parking lot for the last hour)

… and finally:

  • ‘Normal’ people (that are sick to death of all these ‘special’ groups awarded with the good parking spaces, which are empty 75% of the time anyway)

Special my ass! Store and business owners, let me give you a hint: Give up this nonsense because all you’re doing is pissing off the people that frequent your establishments. Folly!

Your crustiness,
Old Dude