UNBELIEVABLE: How Donald Trump Turned Into Harrison Ford!
Did this photo or ‘sensational’ headline capture your attention? Did you click the “Begin Slideshow” banner or one of the arrows (fingers) and nothing happened? I’ll explain …
Another Internet adventure started innocently, but turned into yet another colossal waste of time. It began on the Forbes website, as I was interested in some ‘news’. After suffering through their landing page (they assume that when you type “Forbes.com” in your browser, you don’t actually want to see the website. They know better; they impose their “Quote of the Day” landing page on you before you can see the website. Well, here’s a quote for you geniuses: “Two forks in the eyeballs are better than one landing page.” You’re welcome! You are free to use that one).
Once there, and after some painful searching for their menu, I was enticed by the headline link: “Donald Trump And The GOP Should Govern Like It’s 1890.”) … Click.
A story is mercifully delivered. About 15 seconds later, and having the attention span of a gnat, I noticed a sidebar-story teaser that read: “What Raquel Welch Looks Like Now is Unbelievable!”. Being a curious person, and concerned about what has made her look “unbelievable,” … click.
The glacier-slow-loading page that followed displayed the following headline: “70’s Stars That Will Absolutely Drop Your Jaw – Where Are They Now?” Surprisingly, the page did NOT feature Raquel. Now, my seasoned, taxed, and enfeebled eyeballs may not be able to distinguish an amber light from a green light, or locate the leftovers in the fridge, despite them being “right in front of your bloody nose”, but I’m pretty sure this page showed two photos of Goldie Hawn, not Raquel. Now, I’m flummoxed.
As I start to come to my senses, I notice a “Begin Slideshow” banner on one of the photos. Being conditioned to respond to imperative verbs, I clicked on the banner. It didn’t work. WTF? While searching for a way to continue, a pop-up page appeared: titled “Trending Today” and effectively blocking out the original page, it presented eight more fantastic stories. As I couldn’t seem to close the page (unintentional on their part, I’m sure), I noticed the story “19 Facts About ‘The Andy Griffith Show’ You Didn’t Know.” … Click.
After three slides, and about two minutes of load time, I realized that I’m not really that interested about Andy Griffith facts. But lucky for me, I notice another enticing story: “Man wins Lottery 16 Times: Shares His Secret”. Being curious, and not just a bit gullible, … click.
0h:17m (now on www.dailytiply.com)
What followed was a remarkable, yet painfully long, personal story by Chris about his neighbor, Everett, who inexplicably got rich rather quickly. Everett was a good neighbor (like State Farm) and told Chris his “secret” system. As Chris relates, “My wife told me I was “crazy” for playing the lotto. Untill…I WON my FIRST lotto for $124,140!
(That’s great for Chris, I thought. Now he can afford that spell check software that he has always dreemed of.)
Chris displayed his indebtedness to Everett by convincing him to publish a video, revealing the “six steps” to the system. Naturally, the website visitor must click the video to reveal the secret. And why would I question this fantastic story? The website shows six very credible* comments by other readers that encourages and supports this prophecy).
… And being a curious, impoverished, and rather dense creature, … click.
* Note: Apparently Chris and Everett couldn’t combine their wealth and fix their dailytiply.com website. I visited it two days later and Charlotte Burns’ comments still showed “12 minutes ago,” like it did earlier.
The SECRET to Getting Rich … as Told by Everett
As you might imagine, hearing a ‘real’ person’s account of his incredible story can stir one’s emotions. It’s too bad that we don’t actually get to see Everett, but I can imagine that he looks something like John Goodman, sporting an Armani Big & Tall, with thousand-dollar bills hanging out his pockets and standing next to his Real Housewife from Beverly Hills, with diamond jewellery and silicone tits (all paid for with lotto money donated by millions of losers like you and me).
Let me share a few highlights from Everett’s 35 minute video (shaded text areas are extracts of Everett’s story). **
“I couldn’t believe I was being held at gunpoint by the convenience store owner … The man said he was on to me … I had to be doing something fishy … to win the lottery 5 times in three months.”
(Sure smells fishy to me, Everett)
“Because here’s the truth: once you know how to crack the lotto code … there are going to be a lot of people who aren’t happy about it.”
(I believe you, Everett, there definitely seems to be crack involved in this thinking.)
“What I did was study 27 of the “secret” formulas from repeat-lotto winners. I analyzed each of those formulas, and realized they all shared some common things.”
(What was that, Everett, that they couldn’t keep secrets?)
“How much money can I expect to win using the Lotto Crusher System? I like to tell people to expect an average of about $20,000 per month.”
(I do too, but, unlike Everett, I’m full of bullshit)
** Note: You’re probably wondering how someone with the attention span of a gnat can sit through a 35 minute video. Let’s just say: prepubescent blows to the head; 63 years old; some alcohol involved.
Of course, hearing all this, I couldn’t help but get hyper-excited; in fact, I feel like I might pee myself. But, “how do I get the Lotto Crusher System?” I asked myself. The end of the video reveals the answer:
“Simple – click the “Add to Cart” button that you see below.”
(After finding out that the secret formula costs $197 U.S., the feeling of self-urination went away)
But, wait a minute … wasn’t I trying to find out what Raquel Welch looks like today before getting sidetracked by Chris and Everett?
(I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed … I’ve taken several blows to the head as a child, including one particularly damaging blow delivered by Johnnie Steele. Just so you know, Johnnie, you bastard, I carry a rock the size of a goose egg with your name on it in my pocket at all times … these blows have caused me to become easily distracted and wander way off topic …………..)
Being a persistent—yet obtuse—web user, I located the original link to Raquel and clicked on it. (There’s Goldie again, but this time, I’m SMART LIKE FOX; I know that the “Begin Slideshow” banner is a ruse. I cleverly scrolled down the page to click on the real “Begin Slideshow” button.)
I get to the first page of the slideshow, and low and behold, pictures of Al Pacino appear. Although he’s a good looking dude, you gotta admit he’s no Raquel. I’m starting by now to suspect that I’ve been duped. But being a persistent gnat, I clicked on the “Next” button. (On my scrolling journey, I noticed that the ads for TripAdvisor miraculously and coincidentally were for three hotels that I was checking out on the web just the other day!!! It’s like they know everything that I’m thinking. Fucking amazing!)
Next(slide 2): Barbara Bach
Next(3): Bo Derek (Hey, just noticed that it says 3/41 at bottom of slide page, wtf?)
Next(4): Charles Grodin (My super-power of persistence is starting to wane …)
Next(5): Clint Eastwood (Do you think that they put Raquel last? Perhaps they just want me to click on the ads????)
Next(6): Dustin Hoffman
Next(7): Diane Keaton (OK, now I’m getting a little suspicious of their motives.)
Followed by Faye Dunaway, Goldie Hawn (HEY, haven’t I seen her somewhere recently?), Gene Wilder and Harrison Ford.
I ended the “Raquel” slideshow there. . . . But, what’s that? I notice a link to another fantastic story: “12 Mysterious Photos That Cannot be Explained #5 Will Scare the Life out of You!” … click.
“Sensational” Headlines That Say “Click Me”
GUESS WHAT? Slideshow. I’ll spare the details, but the first page was a mildly interesting photo; definitely not “mysterious.” Now, my momma didn’t raise no dummy … I’ve figured out that I’ve been LIED TO. These sensational headlines are at best, exaggerations, at worst: bald-assed lies.
(OK, someone under 60 years old just explained to me that these thumbnails and headlines are called clickbait and they’re really all about creating social shares that lead to revenue – go figure!)
Now, I have wasted more than an hour that I’ll never get back, have six browser windows open, have developed arthritis in my clicking finger, and Boss is screaming something like “Why hasn’t the garbage been taken out?” or some such nonsense.
Calling for a Boycott of Slideshow Websites . . .
. . . and clickbait
These websites are basically flipping the bird at readers (see image at the top of this post) by making them scroll through endless painfully-slow-loading slideshow pages, littered with drivel, folly and twaddle (worse, if you can imagine, than what is offered on this blog), plus countless advertisements, just to reach the ‘amazing’ stories or photos that the headline promises (NOT).
Oh, did I start this whole debacle by visiting Forbes? Silly me. OK, I’m boycotting them too!
Screw it! I’ll just google Raquel Welch – after physiotherapy on my index finger.
Exhausted Old Dude
– Feature images (Trump/Ford): Gage Skidmore (flickr)