It’s the only explanation, really. There must be untold numbers of wild and domesticated animals that have learned and mastered hypnotic powers. They have charmed, bewitched, hypnotized or otherwise put spells on legions of people. And the numbers are growing.
If animules don’t have supernatural powers, then how else can you explain the way that otherwise intelligent humans are lured into doing the most ridiculous things on behalf of critters. This article exposes two groups of people with insidious, indelible spells cast upon them.
(1) PETA Piffle
(… or, ‘When Good Ideas Turn Bad’)
The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) organization reminds me of the communist movement: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
They started out as a movement to stop animal abuse. Fair enough. But then they gained some momentum, started to attract a fanatical following, and became five times larger than the N. Korean People’s Army.
And, in addition to the hypnotic spells cast upon this group, they’ve also frozen their frontal lobes – probably during naked protesting in winter. Now they’re best known for saying and doing stupid things, expecting the world to believe anything they say.
PETA Folks Say the Silliest Things
“Get on Board … Go Vegan”
I tried this diet a while ago, but I found that it was a bit tough; perhaps I over cooked it. Also, splinters got caught up in my teeth and tongue. And, although it was good roughage, perhaps cedar wasn’t a good choice; maybe I should try a nice savoury hardwood board, like teak or maple, next time.
Monkeys Just Wanna Have Fun
WARNING: the material in this section is graphic in nature. If you have a weak stomach, do not read this (in fact, you shouldn’t be on this blog at all if that’s the case).
Cowboy Monkey Rodeo
(I’m not making up this shit)
Apparently the Wilmington Blue Rocks baseball team has a tradition whereby capuchins (chaps-wearing monkeys) ride atop border collies while herding sheep for laughs at Cowboy Monkey Rodeo.
Activists protested outside the stadium, accusing rodeo operator Tim “Wild Thang” Lepard of “abusing the animals.” Lepard says he pampers the monkeys like “family.” (Of course, we know that PETA members view all rodeos as being cruel to the animals.)
More than 47,000 people have signed a petition circulated by PETA condemning the rodeo.
Let’s break this down:
First of all, how do they know that the monkeys were abused? Did the monkeys email them? Are they monkey whisperers?
(I’d like to know, because if animals can communicate details, then there are a couple of cute, friendly, furry sheep at the petting zoo that I need to make disappear.)
My definition of animal abuse is what some animal “lovers” (PETA supporters, no doubt) do to their pets: dress them up, embarrass them, over-feed them, hoard them, or keep them in confined spaces:
The way I see it is this: the collie is getting some needed aerobics; the sheep, gainfully employed, are delaying the inevitable (being served with mint sauce); and the capuchin is having more fun than being in a barrel, full of other capuchins.
REAL threats to capuchins:
- They’re hunted for meat by local people.
- Their natural predators include jaguars, cougars, coyotes, snakes, crocodiles and more.
- The main predator of the tufted capuchin is the harpy eagle, which has been seen bringing several capuchins back to its nest.
I’ve got a money-making idea:
Let’s monkeynap all of the capuchins in ‘captivity.’ We’ll transport them to Panama– back to nature. Then we’ll sell tours to nature enthusiasts for $3,000 per person (or, an exclusive rate of $3999 for PETA members) to the wilds of Panama, where they can watch harpy eagles and jaguars claw, bite, gorge and dismember the ‘freed’ monkeys.
Naturally, there will be amenities and food provided: At Old Dude’s Tortilla Stand (Vegan of course), I’ll offer plates of tortillas, yucca, coconut and the finest selection of freshly-cut board (teak, mahogany and rosewood) for a mere 40 balboa each.
(2) Born Free …
(of intellect, reason, sense)
Consummate Craziness, Care of Critter Crackpots
Apparently there is no end to what these varmint worshipers will do to make nice with wildlife. According to a Washington Post article, Born Free USA (feral fur collectors) take donated fur garments and let various orphaned critters (skunks, opossums, coyotes, etc.) cuddle up to the fur. They claim that the varmints find the garments cozy and comforting. In one case, 28 coyote pups were encouraged to cuddle up to a fox coat.
So let me put this in perspective: untold numbers of frost-bitten, homeless men, women and children are snuggling up to sidewalks and sewer grates in our cities while our feral friends are cozy warm in their fur coats somewhere in a heated wildlife shelter. Makes perfect sense.
Old Dude’s Take on This
I think this is wonderful.
Lets encourage the critter cuddlers to save, raise, worship and cuddle as many coyotes as they can. We can then offer them a nice home in Calgary to take care of our ever-exploding hare and feral rabbit populations. Yummy!